i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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