obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
