I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
