Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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