I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
