ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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