I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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