Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You are the jesus of drinking
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