It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
