Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
