sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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