I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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