ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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