There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
