Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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