The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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