I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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