I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
