I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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