I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
