I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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