Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.