Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.