My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
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Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola