I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
