Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
