Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
