My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
