im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
