My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
