she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
