great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
