You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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