Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
