matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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