My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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