You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
