How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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