you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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