sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
