so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
