This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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