no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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