i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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