i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
