I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
