Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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