Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
