i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
