Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
