dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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