even my farts smell like vagina
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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