he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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