i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
