So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
