Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The best revenge is premature balding
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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