I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
