Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it's like iHOP with fire
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How's work?
Spinning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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