I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
